Kentucky and Virginia Finally Separate

by Harold Leeder |

Kentucky’s divorce from Virginia finalized after 224-year delay due to missing paperwork; custody battle for West Virginia remains in dispute.

Kentucky and Virginia first declared their union on June 25, 1788, in a small service among friends. Together the two had one son, West Virginia. However the happy couple didn’t stay happy long, as Kentucky filed for divorce a just a few days shy of their 4th wedding anniversary on June 1, 1792.
 

Virginia, the Mother of States, and the Bluegrass State cited irreconcilable differences after Kentucky claimed that Virginia “was tryin’ to act like she had old dominion over me. She’s got real control issues.”

 

The divorce rumors spread quickly and, frankly, got a little ugly at times. In the days leading up to the divorce proceedings, the two went public with their personal issues through various media outlets, ranging from town criers to TMZ and the cover of tabloid magazines.

 

KentuckyVirginiaDivorce

 

The romance started to run south when Kentucky claimed “the stranger” stood outside its window one night singing, “come out Virginia, don’t let me wait.”

 

The Commonwealths’ names were further dragged through the mud when Kentucky made false infidelity claims in an early interview with Rob Bromley, saying, “Everyone knows Virginia is for lovers, but what I wanna know is how many?”

 

Virginia battled back against such claims, saying Kentucky was a deadbeat dad who spent the majority of his time betting on horses and drinking up all of the family’s “medicinal” bourbon.

 

After the media circus subsided, Kentucky’s Attorney (at very large) General George Nicholas, a huge man who would last in the position less than a year, took over the case. As the state’s first and worst attorney general, he was expected to assist with the two parties uncontested divorce but, like his suspenders, he snapped under the pressure.

Everyone knows Virginia is for lovers, but what I wanna know is how many?

Things went from bad to worse when Nicholas took the Train to ‘Meet Virginia’ and procured the necessary signatures, but then lost the paperwork. With this melodic blunder, he found himself unable to finish filing the paperwork with local Franklin County Judge Hayes Ol-Sister.

 

The mistake went unnoticed for 224 years. The issue only resurfaced when Washington, D.C., recently proposed to Virginia, saying that, since it was already inside her, he should probably make an honest state out of her.

 

However, while making wedding preparations, state officials discovered that Nicholas had never filed the divorce paperwork from more than two centuries earlier.

 

Since the blunder was discovered, the two sides have been adamant about resolving the issue as quickly as possible, however the situation has been made difficult by the fact that both have established long-term residencies in their respective states.

 

Thankfully, Kentucky and Virginia have already been through mediation and are ready to sign any finalized paperwork at Applebee’s on Nicholasville Rd. in Lexington.

 

Only one thorny issue remains. Who will retain custody of West Virginia? While West Virginia is celebrating its 153rd birthday and has reached a state(hood) of independence, the federal government still requires one of its parents to maintain legal guardianship. Over the years, West Virginia has demonstrated a profound inability to maintain responsibility for its own medical care or educational services. Therefore, to be on the safe side, the United States would like one of the two parents to aid in the future best interest of the child.

 

Currently out of work, West Virginia, when reached for comment, mentioned that she was “in between jobs at the moment” because the manager at the last tanning salon where she worked “had it out for me.” In the meantime West Virginia was not saddened by the news of its parents’ split but was, in fact, looking forward to two Christmases.

 

Harold Leeder is the editor-in-chief of New Circle Circular. Harold is a lifelong Lexingtonian, and loves writing about his city in between sips of bourbon. To read more of his work and stay up to date on all things Lexington, visit newcirclecircular.com.

There are more barrels of bourbon than people in Kentucky.

Kentucky for Kentucky